For years, I have struggled deeply with being in the limelight. It is uncomfortable for me (putting it mildly; it almost claimed my life) and I have desired, at so many points, to hide, or at least just keep things at a nice, comfortable, manageable level. Not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to go anywhere, I've been dragging my proverbial blankie around with me for years. And today God says, "It's time." At church on Sunday the guest pastor was speaking on "dying to ourselves" (a common theme in the Bible) and I sat there silently pleading with tears streaming down my cheeks, "Are you sure? This is the ONE thing that hurts more than anything, and you're saying I really need to lay down, God, and give it to you?" And the answer back was a very clear "Yes, my child. I need you to hand this over to me now."
And so today my soul is laid bare, my comfort zone is obliterated. My blankie is gone. I stand before you, not on an ego high as I once imagined authors felt on launch day. But instead like a child, who is mourning the loss of that blanket, while simultaneously desiring to become a "big kid" and move on to the next step. In some ways I wish it was a no-brainer ego-high day for me, because I think that's a feeling that's easier for people to understand, and this post may come off as the ultimate #humblebrag (it's not). Please let me be clear - I know that my "blankie" can be rooted in sin, just as much as being on an ego high can be, because on both ends of the spectrum you're making it about yourself. Nothing is more motivating to ditch my blankie and run forward, than believing this book's purpose is so far beyond my ability, that it has the potential to help women find freedom in and with their beauty, and to bring light to important topics within the fashion and church worlds. Those things are so much more important than my feelings, which makes it totally worth it. But unfortunately that doesn't make it any easier. It will still be hard, and many times I will fail, and reach for my blanket, and mourn when I realize it's gone.
In this season I'm challenging myself to become like this quote from one of the best books ever written, Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis:
“Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call 'humble' nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.”
